SLC-S24/W2 - Powerful Debate | Love vs Capability

This idea of marriage without love, is something that is very common in a typical Nigerian family setting especially among the older generations. You could literally see that the marriage lacks that romantic spark.

Instead it was built on duty, societal pressure, family arrangements or survival. The older generations always have this belief that love can come later or not too important as long as the house is peaceful.

I will be shedding more light on this debate“love vs compatibility” but before doing that let me invite some friends of mine, who I believe can share from their wealth of experience @soulfuldreamer, @goodybest and @weisser-rabe.

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I grew up seeing this type of marriages that has lasted for decades not because of love but because they see it as a duty to one another including their children or they are avoiding “what people will say”.

Take for instance, a beautiful couple that have been married for over 50 years. The younger generation that finds it difficult to hold a marriage for even up to two years, look up to them, you see them always in church together with their grownup kids but when given the opportunity to step into their homes, it is like two strangers living together under a roof. No laughing, no playing with each other, just routine. Order. Duty. He provides. She cooks. The emotional distance between this two is visible enough for the blind to notice.

Then after examining all this, the new generations are now asking themselves, is this what a marriage should look like?

So many Nigerians homes are filled with such marriages because appearances matters a lot. Many women staying because of their kids and are trying to avoid that stigma of been a divorcee and men will remain because of the bride price they have paid. There’s respect, but not romance. Partnership, but not passion.

The big question now is: Is loyalty and understanding enough to hold a marriage without love?

For me, I will say a big “yes” but in the absence of love, loyalty and understanding is more like a skeletal system in the body without a flesh (love) because at the end of the day, we can’t downplay the power of love considering how essential it is to keep the relationship alive and to keep that fire burning. Love doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go to the rooftop and declare your feelings or fancy dates. Sometimes, it’s simply the feelings that your presence matters and your heart is safe with someone.

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In a society like Nigeria where reputation often outweighs realities, couples in marriages are kept in a tight corner that’s why they have to fake an appearance looking well, even when all isn’t well. You have to be seen as the role model not just for your kids alone but other people looking up to you but behind the scenes, there’s no form of emotional connection.

When I see couples that falls into this category wearing matching outfits filled with all smiles, they remind me of those reality actors and actresses trying to act a script to deceive their fans. It’s even worse when one party craves that emotional connection but the other has shutdown. Some people will tease their spouses of being childish to expect passion after years of bills and burdens.

Sometimes, when I see our parents, living together like roommates, I use to wonder if at some point in my life, I’ll end up like them because I feel is weird when couples just lie down on the bed backing each other like siblings without any form of intimacy. The world might see them as perfect couples but it means nothing when you feel unseen by the one beside you.

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For me, I will say, It depends on what kind of peace you’re holding. If it’s the kind of peace that brings joy, mutual respect and emotional safety, it’s fine by me compared to the one that is built on silence, fake smile and pretense.

Then speaking about “chasing what sets my heart of fire”, I think that’s very risky because in recent times especially from my generation, the divorce rate is now uncountable. I don’t know if it’s love or lust but one thing is certain, there was a spark in the relationship that made those couples get married and once the spark’s dies, it causes divorce and fights.

But the truth is that we should learn to strike a balance because if it wasn’t for this contest, the old model of marriage was something I would have wished to adopt because I didn’t want a situation where I’ll be faced with divorce but on the flip side, when the love is absent, studies has shown that it leads to high rate of infidelity among spouses and in some instances you find out that you are fathering kids that are not yours.

So maybe the real wisdom lies in finding balance. A love that brings both calm and fire. Where your heart can rest and still race. Where you don’t have to trade one for the other.